...no, seriously. I do. I was close to moving out...still thinking on it but my mom has played referee and calmed the situation. I'm not sure if I'm staying for good. It'll depend on my dad and what he does in the next few days.

In the meantime, I am gonna log my daily progress on my bike while I learn le-cool-moves-of-ze-flatland. I started some days ago and so far I feel dorky cause it's been forever since I got on my bike...and my dog follows me around? I'm gonna accidentally run over that dumb mutt. -_-;

Side note: James Blunt is the fuckin' sex.

I help take care of fishes (sea-water kind) in a warehouse that imports/exports them. The pay is NOT great but the job isn't hard (I am standing/walking all day so I'm still getting used to that...my feet are killing me but it's gotten better). Also, it feels good being able to pay bills.

I'm actually tryin' to follow gigglingwizard's advice from 2 posts ago and getting shit done (actually playing WoW a bit less cause of my work). Also, I've been eating healthier (almost cut out all soda). Before this year is out, I plan on being healthier, paid my debts(at least out of most of it), and FINALLY know how to snowboard. Er, I passed my written test for my license...plan on getting my license within a month. It's going to be a slight challenge since I'm really weary...of driving. :/

I iz happy.

However, Prop 8 (Same Sex Marriage Ban) was leading with 52% votes...fuckin' hell. It better not get passed. Else, I'm choke a bch.

...some things change and other things don't.

Example of shit not changing: I still don't like socializing.

Example of shit changing: I'm way too sexually repressed so I do things I shouldn't. Har har. I shant comment any further.


But that's not the reason why I'm posting. I'm posting because I have to vent.

For the past few months, I've had an insane fear of dying. I know...it's death, most people are scared of it (those that aren't are at peace with themselves or stupidly crazy). But the thing is...I'm not scared of dying and going to hell (for those that don't know, I was baptized and raised as a Roman Catholic) because I don't believe in God. I don't believe in an afterlife, reincarnation, etc...I don't believe in any of that.

And, THAT'S the problem. I don't believe in any of that and I can't wrap my mind around the fact that when I die...it's over. I'll wake up in middle of the night and begin to think of when I will die. How, for me, it'd all gone. The only proof of my existence is in the memories of those alive who will also die and all the personal belongings that I have obtained that show that I really existed will eventually be destroyed. And, if I have kids (which I have no desire to have), there's my "legacy".

BUT, as an individual, I no longer exist. Of course, as the self-centered human being that I am, this just isn't fucking acceptable. I am a remarkable, unique individual with dreams, desires, needs and dammit it HAS to be about ME.

Ok, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm just another living being on this world who is going to die. No different from another person. But I hate this self-realization. I don't want this mortality. Fuck, let's go further back...I wish I had been born a fucking fish...though, I'm sure they know it's fucking over when a predator bites down on them as they try their hardest to escape...but at least they're not thinking of their death before said impending doom.

I really did try hard...to believe in the after-life...religion...fuck, a higher-order being that's up there saying "Don't worry, yo. I got your back...you're not meant to just live and die...you'll continue on!". To be comforted that it won't all be over when I die because I am a human being and I have a fucking purpose.

Oh, fuck it. It doesn't even matter because I won't know till I fucking die and if there is nothing after, it won't make any difference because I will already be dead.


But seriously, there are nights I can't sleep as I think about my rotting corpse and how there is nothing after. I want to believe in an after but I always tend to see it as something made up so we don't feel...alone?

I'm gonna stop rambling. I got arenas to do...alliance to kill. Move along now. Nothing to see anymore.

On a side note: great song.

I am still playing WoW (must...get...more...epics). However, instead of being in CSU, San Bernardino, I am at UC Santa Barbara. I have an internship here over the summer. IT'S AWESOME!!!!

Pros:
+ Enjoyable work (I get to beta test development tools for Microtubule Dynamics)

+ Room/Board and Meals paid for (Meals - Dining Hall with awesome variety of food. Room/Board has FUCKIN' ROOM SERVICE. RAWR!!)

+ Gorgeous Campus right on the beach (BEAUTIFUL WEATHER. I'm seriously on the damn beach. Gorgeous view of the ocean, the breeze is always perfect, and there are so many hot chicks and guys it's like *drool*).

+ My internship peers are (for the most part) an amazing bunch. I even got drunk with them and had a blast (I make one funny drunk. >.> )


Cons:
-I have a presentation to do at the end of the internship (I hate presenting) and a small pwper to write (I don't mind that as much).

-I don't know if I'll get used to not having this perfect situation. I'm going to hate leaving this place. lol


Yes, I have been going out and living a little. I don't overdo it like some of my peers (3-4 of them get hammered EVERY night. lol It's amusing to hear them though. Funny guys).

Yeah, life is good. :p

If ya see this message, get on aim. :p Not sure if ya got my last aim messages. Cellphone being stupid. Got class till about 4-5pm-ish (depends if we're let out early). Got some essays to write and finish up between and after class *BOO* but hopefully won't take long.

In recent news, I've obtained an internship at UC Santa Barbara :o

http://www.bioimage.ucsb.edu/

Cool, eh? :o

I've been mainly trying to raise my rep and farm different formulas/patterns. However, I'm stuck after what kind of gear I want to go for. Currently, I'm aiming for the level 70 High Warlord/General pvp gear (it's easier to get and solo-able). The Gladiator stuff looks awesome; however, I would need a team (still haven't found anyone and my pvp skills aren't that great). As for instances, I'm still trying to unlock the heroic modes (god damn rep >:{), but that's still a ways off.

My final goal is the Corruptor's set. All I know is the only pieces known to drop for that set are the gloves and helm (in Karazhan). Any of ya guys know where the other pieces drop?

EDIT: Looks like the chest piece is dropped by Magtheridon in Magtheridon's Lair and the other 2 pieces in Gruul's Lair. /palmface

(but I REALLY do blame MMOs).

Just started DMC 3 (Devil May Cry 3) yesterday...whoa...just whoa. WTF WAS I ON FOR NOT PLAYING THIS BEFORE?! My sis bought the collection (DMC1-3) awhile back...I had already played DMC 1 and love it. I might have to go buy DMC3 JUST for myself (my bro is mad I'm borrowing it...ha ha!).

Yeah...god damn. >.>

x.X;

So, I'm a lvl 51 Demo-speced Lock (Yeah only 51...coulda been +56 but I've been in BGs, farming Honor and Marks...found out the max marks you can hold is 100. -_-;) and I was farming souls off poor npcs to summon demons and create stones (I can make 3 different ones...Health, Soul and Spell) when a lvl 60 Mage rides by in a mount. He fucker sees me and stops and I know he's going to attack. So he starts with pyroblast and as he's casting the spell, I move back to get out of range (he's an idiot), I sac my Voidwalker (sac - sacrifice to get a spiffy shield which I didn't end up needing cause he couldn't get a spell off), summon my felhunter, fear him and cast 2 of my affies and immolate. His health drops down fast but he pots (heals himself completely) and I repeat (fear, cast 3 spells) and he dies.

I feel so happy. :p Usually my fear is resisted (alot...luckily no melee guy with him or else I wouldn't be able to get it off. -_-;) and fuckin' mages start off with sheeping me. I didn't even use Deathcoil. O.o

Actually, I shouldn't feel THAT proud...that mage must have sucked big time if he couldn't get a spell off. -_-;

GO GO EXPANSION!!! :o

Last time I spend my x-mas with my family...

You've stolen my life...my soul...damn you to hell. >:{

Only level 18...been 3 days....I'm slow. x.X;;;

FOR THE HORDE! \o/

EDIT: Oh and I got me a DS..and FFXII *hangs head*

my insane cousin that is. Not sure what to say. If he's not out already he will be soon, I think. Not sure how they're NOT keeping him in jail. I don't know the details and honestly don't want to know.


On a completely unrelated note, I'm gonna get me a DS. A stupid canadian friend of mine finally got me hooked on the damn pokemon games for the GBA...and there is Diamond and Pearl coming out for DS. But that's not the main reason (already have a GB SP for like the 5 other pokemon games)...no the main reason is fuckin' FF3. Damn you, Squeenix....damn you. Don't to see if my parents can get me a DS for x-mas.

Actually I'm behind as far as gaming goes...so many games...so little time. Did I tell you I hate school?


I'm tired...I'm lonely...and I do believe I'm depressed right now.

Maybe, I really should have learned to drive last summer...but it was near impossible with the drama and famil being so busy. Blegh.

*goes to bury herself in games...again*

More family drama:
->My pregnant 17 year old cousin who we haven't heard of for awhile (refused any of our help cause she wanted to live like she hadn't made any mistakes...wanted to go to parties...etc)

->My older half-sister still free-loading with my auntie (her mother-in-law) but now has serious problems with hubby (my cousin...he's a druggie/alcoholic dad who pretty much threatened the lives of my auntie, half-sister, his daughter, etc). Actually came to their house for the umpteenth time to beat up his step-dad, hit my older sister, his sister, neighbor, etc..he was high/drink that time as usual). My grandma isn't helping much...she gossips to the idiot cousin of mine and instigates shit in the family for no reason. Love her, but she needs some sense smacked into her. She's so damn self-righteous and shit.

->My parents are going through alot of stress with the new company. My mom barely sleeps. My uncle doesn't help much. He can be full of shit too. But he tries to help...not sure what goes through his mind though. My dad is owed ALOT of money from family because he's always helping them out. Hell, the stupid cousin I was talkin' about previously owes a couple of thousands to my dad. He tried helping my older sis and my idiot cousin out by letting them borrow alot of money (pretty much bought him a truck to start out as a trucker, furniture, stuff for the baby...look at how THAT turned out). Oh yeah..forgot to mention that my sister and him had another falling out.

->Before the shit that happened in the 2nd drama I mentioned, my sister and her hubby had a huge fight and my sister ran to my dad and my dad took her back in because of his granddaughter. However, my older sis wanted to live like she didn't owe anyone anything. My dad was pretty much paying her $300 a week to take care of her kid (I know cause she wasn't doing shit for the company...which was what the $300 was for). My dad has asked her to not see him until he got his shit straightened out..for the sake of the Valerie (her daughter). Between her wanting to go back with her deadbeat husband who was lying that he was gonna clean up (which didn't work out...he got worse) and my grandmother filling her mind with stupid shit, she left my dad's home to go back to deadbeat husband. My dad had gotten very attached to his granddaughter and had been lookin' for a bigger home and whatnot for the kid (as well as us). He now refuses to hear anything about Valerie. He pretty much says he rather not know cause they'll just try to use her to fuck him over again. I feel for him...it's not fair how they fucked him over. Valerie has also become very withdrawn. She used to be a small baby that would always be smiling and loved having people around her (never cried when others held her)...now she cries whenever anyone but her mother holds her and she never smiles. Oh, when my idiot cousin hit my older sister, she was holding the child. She experienced all that drama...she might only be a baby, but I know it effected her.

->Oh, after the whole ordeal that occurred in the 2nd drama I listed, my older sister lifted the restraining order and because of my grandmother, my auntie (idiot cousin's mom) and her own weak spine, my older sister let her husband see the child...not sure what ANY of them are thinking. I'm really disappointed in my auntie...she has 2 other children she should think of first...both have mental problems (one tried committing suicide TWICE and the other one is younger and he's mentally retarded. They (auntie, grandmother and their dad) pretty much fucked over by the way they raised them both).

->My grandfather on my mom's side is in the hospital. He's been having heart problems. Not sure what. Haven't asked my mom...just tell her I hope he's ok. But I know...it's only a matter of time. I should ask what's going on. I don't want to know though. Am I close to him? Yes. I grew up with him...along with 2 others families in a small home. Funny how we've all grown apart.

That's not everything...there's more but I rather not mention anymore.

I shouldn't even be posting this...I rarely think about it. Hell, I'm back in my dorms so I don't have to deal with any of this directly.

But sometimes...some days...I think about all this and it overwhelms me. I really shouldn't think about this...I don't want to think about this. But I can't help it. Times like this I wish I could bust kneecaps for their stupidity. I want to run away and never look back.

I don't want to care anymore.

I've been MIA from LJ for awhile, haven't I?

Gonna be going MIA some more...but first:

Happy Late B-day to: alltooclever (July 11), peony_pink (July 26), meltingflare (July 31), hand_wash_cold (Aug. 01), and darkwarrior (Aug. 02).

*glomps joo all* Sorry for being late...been awhile since I checked which B-day's have past and are coming up. x.X; Hope you guys had great b-days! ^_^


Future Happy B-day to: nicalamity (Aug. 06), and ceboholic (Aug. 07)!

And, I hope you two have great b-days. *glomps some more*



On a side note: Nothing has been going as planned this summer. A tad disappointing, but it's to be expected. Going to try to go back to sleep. >_>

..I repeat, I am NOT dead.

As much as I sometimes think otherwise. >.>


So a quick update on my life:

-Out of school; Finished most of my paperwork to attend CSU, San Bernardino.

-Back home; LOTS of family drama...none caused by me as usual. The old me would probably mope and let it affect her. The current me is laughing at certain stupid family members. I have to admit, I'm actually enjoying seeing this whole ordeal unfold...it's like a car accident in that I can't just look away. The only times it effects me is when it cuts my comp time. I must confess that I DO feel bad for my parents...they are going through a heartache but it will pass. Such is life.

-Been downloading/watching different TV shows: Star Trek: DS9, The Blackadder, Fawlty Towers, Boondocks, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Father Ted..etc. The only one I haven't gotten around to seeing is Father Ted...I am LOVING DS9 (God damn you, Brad), The Blackadder (Damn you too, David!), Fawlty Towers (Damn you ONCE MORE, David!), Boondocks, The Colbert Report, and The Daily Show. The other following shows I'm going to try to see this summer are: Firefly, Battlestar Galatica (Not sure if I should first try out the old series or the newer one), Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em, rest of Red Dwarf, TNG/Enterprise, Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, documentaries by NOVA or other peeps, and other misc tv shows I can't remember off the top of my head.

-Brad made me downlaoad Transmetropolitan...will start reading tomorrow.

-By the end of this month, I shall have bought a new bike (still need to negotiate with my dad). I really am serious about the BMX stuff...gonna try out flatland. I've been doing some major reading and whatnot. Can't wait till I get on that bike and fall on my ass and/or face a few thousand times. In the meantime, I have a skateboard that is lacking attention...broken bones here I come...and I promise I won't be breathing hard when I do. :p

-Looking into planning a mini-vacation this summer and learn to snowboard (just basic stuff)...gonna take awhile and I'm still unsure. Hopefully within an year. :)

-Summer job...need to pay off credit cards, upgrade comp, and get into modding my case. DUN DUN DUN...sawed-off fingers, I shall see you soon! >.>

-Anything else? Dunno, honestly...oh yeah. I'm a bf2 addict, thinking of getting Quake 4 and Half-life 2. But those are on hold for the while till I get the sumemr job and whatnot.

Now off to bed...x.X;

I have a mideterm on Discrete Structures tomorrow. I haven't studied. I was supposed to study today. I really should, ya know. Meh.

I'm bored. I shouldn't be...I got so many great books to read, great games to play, ideas to realize, etc.

Oddly though, I just don't feel like doing anything today. Well, I wouldn't mind going out for a ride, but having no car kind of sucks at times.

Maybe I should play some BF2 and vent some frustration. :p

...especially when they seem to do the same thing over and over again. Despite trying to talk to them about it and "clearing" it up. It's like a stab every time to the fucking heart.

What's worse is that when they do those things and then say the nicest things...it hurts worse. You want to believe them, but you can't. Not when it's happened before...friended someone who spoke a nice game and fucking backstabbed you.

I'm tired of trying...tired of caring...just tired...

Anyone have BF2? Anyone want to play BF2 with me? >.>

I still suck but enjoyin' the game ALOT.

I bought a new mouse and joystick...hopefully both will be here by monday and tuesday. :p


Anything new? nope...same old drama..lol